Break Time

I feel the need to step away from all of this for a while.

But I am going to finish this story in it's natural progression because I need to and want to. The response I've gotten from this blog has moved me very much and I want others to discover what it can be like in going through something like this, but for the moment it is consuming me, and frankly, I have had a series of setbacks that have been disheartening and are starting to wear me down.

I'm still pretty damn sure I'm going to have a positive outcome, but I think it's important that you see another side of me - one that just can't find a witty way in describing what's it's like to have to go to the emergency room (as I had to yesterday) to have my catheter put back in.

It seems that I am now ending up on the wrong side of the numbers that my doctors have telling me to expect. Before the surgery, my biopsy gave me a Gleason Grade of 3 + 3 = 6, which translated to an 84% chance that the cancer was contained in my prostate. The pathology report after the surgery upgraded those numbers to 3 + 4 = 7 which means that the cancer was not contained and cancer cells were discovered in my bladder and seminal vesicles. And while these are still the slow growing cancer cells, I will need to have some radiation treatment once my bladder and continence issues have healed and been sorted out. There was some good news though - the lymph nodes were all clean.

We had an idea that something like this was going on right after the surgery when the surgeon told us that there was a soft spot on one side of the prostate and that he could not spare all of the nerves that are responsible for erections. Again, my numbers before the surgery were that I had a 60% chance of erections, now that number is 20%. I am aware that I made a big deal that this would not be a big deal, but the cumulative effect was not a good feeling.

I also had to stay in the hospital for an extra day because I could not expel the gases in my abdomen that had been pumped into me for the procedure. While not uncommon, it is not the norm and required me to basically walk in a loop around the recovery ward for 24 hours directly following the surgery. That is not an easy thing to do.

On Friday, I was delighted when the doctor removed my catheter and discovered that my continence was intact. Phone calls were made, modest celebrations occurred, but by the next day, the pain in voiding my bladder was so intense, the whole thing shut down and I couldn't void at all. To the emergency room we went.

I feel my dignity has been stripped away - I'm fucking sick of dealing with bowels, stool softeners and tubes up my penis and everybody and their mother (including my wife) either looking at my naked body in this condition or dealing with tubes and bags hanging off of me.

I plan on not referring to any of this on facebook anymore. I'm shutting that hospital ward down. If anyone wants to follow me through this, I welcome them here at Po'buckra (damned appropriate name, by the way), and while the positive and wonderful thoughts that came my way there are greatly appreciated and helpful, I want to use that site for things other than a Gil has cancer site. I hope you all understand.

I will get through this. Stacey will get through this. We will all get through this. I love each and everyone of you, but I need some down time.

Love,
Gil