Prep Schooled

Ok, I think I'm ready to keep going on this sucker. There are plenty of thrills, chills and excitement up ahead!

Prepping for the surgery was sort of a 2 part process. Neither very pleasant to deal with, but deal with you must.

The first part of the prep was pretty creepy and a big fat reality check. I'm going to be different after the surgery. Some of the changes could possibly be permanent, but the odds are that these changes will just be temporary, but they will be there, waiting for me once this stuff has been done to me.

I'm grateful they gave me instructions on all of this. There are a lot of angles to consider. For instance: 10 days after the surgery, I will have my catheter removed. Even though I have been ferociously doing my Kegel exercises (3 sets of 30, holding each one for 3 seconds, per day), I will probably have very little or no bladder control.....yet.

What that means is that last Sunday, Stacey and I had to go shopping, and while drug stores are generally not a very fun place to shop at to begin with, it sucks extra hard when you're buying adult diapers and pads. But there they were! And there we were, rummaging through the different choices and figuring out the correct sizes etc...Good Lord!

I just had to keep taking deep breaths and quietly (at times not so quietly) repeat our "safeword" curse/mantra. We figured it all out, and now we were ready to move on to part 2 of the prep stage: Buying very cruel liquids and enemas that will blow out my bowels til they're clean as a whistle, Homer! This is actually a very important step - if the rectal wall accidently got punctured during the surgery, a cleaned out system could help prevent some very serious damage control.

Ok, off to the stomach aids aisle we went, merrily skipping along and humming sweet tunes. First off - Fleet Enema. No problem, been there, done that. Most men my age have probably dealt with these before if they've dutifully gone in for the sigmoidoscopy that all men should have at 50.

Next is what I affectionately call ass blowout juice. Excuse the graphic and juvenile choice of words, but that's what it does. It's called magnesium citrate and comes in 2 delicious flavors; lemon citrus and a fruity berry flavor. Lemon citrus it was, and if you ever hate someone enough to do this to, it really would make a good mixer for gin.

Shopping complete, we head on home and were delighted to find out that our friend Jennifer will indeed be able to accompany Stacey for the surgery! I eat my last solid foods for quite a while, have a couple of beers, take a valium and go to sleep.

At 10:00 AM the next morning, I drink the bottle of ass-blow. From here on I can have no more solid foods before the surgery. (I'm glad I went over the instructions because I had it in my mind that I was to do this at 10:00pm, which could have been disastrous!) I thought the effect woulda kicked in a bit sooner, but it really ran it's course over several hours. It certainly blows you out, but there's no real uncomfortable cramping. It just....blows it out your ass!

I drank lots of water, had some approved clear jello (why anyone considers this food in any form is beyond me), and some broth. It's strange not to eat for a day. I didn't like it.

The surgery was scheduled for Tuesday morning at 8:00 am, which meant that Stacey, Jennifer and I had to leave Albany around 4:45am so we could be admitted to the hospital at the required time of 5:20am!

Off to sleep we went, excited as little children on Xmas Eve!

Not.