Oh Boy! It's Easter.....

God I hate Easter. I’m sure I will now be destined to spend eternity in a hellish world of pastel colors, the most horrible chocolate in the world, and the foul stench of hard boiled eggs. In order to possibly save my soul from such damnation, I’d better qualify that opening statement; God I hate Easter - The Holiday.

As a child, it meant going to church. Sunday school was the norm for my family’s kids, but church was for special occasions; weddings, funerals and Easter. I remember vividly one particular incident from my childhood that has stayed with me ever since. My mom took me shopping for a nice Easter suit to wear to the upcoming Easter service. I was excited to actually get a suit that was going to be all mine, and not some hand-me-down from my older brother. We settled on a nice lime green 3 piece that included a reversible vest! I was stoked and felt very grown up in it. I actually looked forward to going to church that Easter to show off my new couture look.

At the end of the service, we were all filing out of the church and we stopped for a moment to say hello to the preacher, Dr. Fogerty. Once I had shook his hand, I turned to walk away and fell down the cement stairs, landing hard on my hands and knees. I was fine, but my new suit now had two bloody holes in the knees. Looking back now, I am rather surprised that the holes didn’t magically resurrect and close and that the blood did not turn to wine. Father forgive me!

But the holiday part of Easter is what really disappointed me. Sure, it’s fun to dye eggs (sort of), but to hide them, maybe find them, and then eat them has got to be the most horrible holiday treat I can imagine. They’re eggs, dammit! The chocolate sucks, too! Mmmmm....hard, inedible milk chocolate. The hollow bunny ears maybe, but trying to chomp down on the dense body of the creepy little rabbit was near impossible.

My buddy Robert has a very cute rabbit, and there are many wild rabbits near my workplace, but I swear to God there is not a more horrifying childhood image (non Brothers Grimm, of course) that I can think of than the Easter Bunny. They possess gigantic come hither eyes that say “ I may just eat you! ” They certainly have the teeth to do it, too. Yikes. Go away bunny, and take those awful stinky pastel colored eggs with you.

As an adult, I wonder why I don’t get a 4 day weekend. Our counterparts in the U.K certainly do. I’m sure France takes the whole damn month off, and God knows what they do in Italy. Here, we work. We do get lots of religious themed flicks on cable, but I’ve seen Charlton Heston part one too many seas for my liking. Imagine how much better it would be with CGI!

I do enjoy movies about resurrection, though. George Romero set the standard with his Living Dead series. Matter of fact, one of my all-time favorite movies is his Dawn Of The Dead. “When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth!” Hope that doesn’t apply to Easter rabbits.